Our mustaches make us unique, but they also make us the target of discrimination, and I point this out only so we can grow stronger as a group. One of my friends intended to be a grower this year, but he has to meet the Governor of North Dakota in two weeks as part of his job, and my friend’s boss told him that he couldn’t have a mustache when he met the governor. I am glad I am not my friend, because I could not work for such a ignorant and hateful boss. However, I must commend the great state of North Dakota. Governor John Hoeven is a proud mustache wearer, which makes the bossman’s decision even worse. We mustache men love to admire the lip rugs of other manly men, and I’m sure the governor would have bought whatever my friend was selling.

I have another friend who made the bold step to grow a mustache this year. He is already sporting a fine stache after five days, but he fears he will have to shave it because he’s flying to California in two weeks to meet some Hollywood waxed-types. Please pray for Mustache Joe that he will be strong and not give into the temptation of shaving his sweet stache.

Finally, I saw a picture in the World Herald today, which is the workplace of Class of 2009 Mustache Robert. The picture reveals the power of the stache. Soccer is the most popular sport in the world, and high school phenom Eduardo Gamboa used his power of the stache to score two overtime goals for South Sioux City. I’m sure Skutt knew they had no chance at victory once the Teenage Stache Wonder took the field. Eduardo, you are pure stache genius. I lift my full-calorie Old Milwaukee in your honor.

Live free, live the stachely life.