Stache Bash was as great a success as the 2011 Growing Season.  Here is what you may have missed:

Celebrity Judges:

Mike McKnight – WOWT Channel 6 investigative reporter and StacheFriend from day one,

Jim Flowers – Chief Meteorologist, WOWT Channel 6 and owner of Omaha’s most recognizable stache,

Emily Poeschl – 2006 Miss Nebraska USA, bombshell, has own wikipedia entry,

Cameron Meredith – Defensive End, University of Nebraska Cornhuskers, pre-season Heisman favorite

Webcast – Thanks to Stache Brother and Stache Team Six member Steve Pflaum for webcasting the whole thing.

StachePageant Winners:

Most Testosterone – Matt Steinbrink

Nastiest Stache – Adam Perez

Best Costume – Jay Slagle

Sweetest Stache – Chuck Whitney

Most Fundraisingest – Mike Lebens

Blake Gibbons Shirt Auction:

You may recall that mustache hero and actor Blake Gibbons did us a solid and sent in a video for our recruiting video.  The shirt he was wearing at the end that said, “Hey, Nice Mustache” was autographed by Blake and sent back to us.  We auctioned it off that night and it went for a wopping $1,000 to benefit CRCC.  In Blake’s own words, “My mom wouldn’t even pay that much for my autograph.”  He is awesome, the shirt is awesome, and the auction was awesome.

The Total is Announced:

The goal was to beat $72,500 and pass San Francisco to become the nation’s second highest fundraising chapter.  I cannot describe the reaction when Mustache Kevin turned over the card with the 0 and then pulled the 1 out from behind it.  Pandemonium.  Cheers, tears, hugs, and an ovation that seemed to last 10 minutes.  We are so proud of the guys and the effort they put into raising this staggering amount of cash for CRCC.

CRCC Says Thanks:

After the total was announced Terri Fitzgerald, Executive Director of CRCC, took the stage with all of her staff and CREW Guild members to thank the Growers.  She had to take a moment to compose herself (we should have told her the total ahead of time!) and gave a very heartfelt and genuine thank you to the guys for their efforts. 

After the show we had live music from Minor Detail (who looked rad in their Beastie Boys “Sabotage” costumes).  There may or may not have been a dance contest in which Fancy Sauce narrowly edged The Commodore for the title of Best Dancer Ever.  Jabroney and The Hammer had their own contest and the loser won a cab ride home.  Stuff got broke, women fell in love, and I think we may have elected Pedro Class President so all of our wildest dreams will come true.

All in all a great night.

Can’t believe it is here already.  Seems like just yesterday we were being butchered alive by the barber on the patio of Two Fine.  And now it is time for Stache Bash.  Regardless of how much money you raised or how good your stache looks, tonight will be the party you talk about for months.  You know what they say, “Once you go Stache Bash you never go back.  To any other parties.  Because they aren’t as fun.”

See you tonight brothers.  And sisters.  And people I don’t even know.

The Commodore

You ask me, how does your mustache grow so fine and you are able to reduce your cholesterol?  Here is the answer:

Those are ribs and bacon wrapped bratwurst.  It is a scientific-ish fact that the bacon and bratwurst go directly to your stache.  In fact, I still have bits of ribs and sauce in my mustache and that makes every day smell like awesome.  It is also just as true that eating bacon AND bratwurst at the same time reduces your cholesterol because the “bad cholesterol” and the “good taste” cancel each other out.  Mustache John confirmed this and he is a doctor.  A foot doctor, but as they say in Foot Doc Monthly, “Good heart health starts in your feet.”   Here is the recipe for those bold enough to try it.

1.  Buy bacon

2. Buy bratwurst

3.  Wrap bacon around bratwurst

4.  Smoke at 225 for 3-4 hours (depending on how much yard work you are ditching on)

Bon appetit mons freres.  (that is French for “eat bacon and punch a frenchman”)

The Commodore

From the Caddyshack Archives….
“So we finish 18 and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, ‘Hey, Lama! Hey! How about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.’ And he says, ‘Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total mustacheness.’ So I got that going for me, which is nice.”

Apparently one of our growers uncovered the rough drafts of several movies before some bare lipper got ahold of the script and did re-writes.  We will share them with you from time to time but this gem was dug up under Jack Nicholson’s house.   We assume his role in A Few Good Men was supposed to have a mustache.

“Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with mustaches. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinburg? I have a greater lip sweater than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the handlebars. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago’s peach fuzz, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves beautiful women from loneliness. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like cookie duster, lip sweater, soup strainer. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very mustache that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a Braun Personal Groomer, and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to”

Before I had a mustache, I had limitations.  I could not sing pitch-perfect arias, nor could I roast a good coffee bean.  Now that I have a mustache, I don’t care about those nancy things.  But I have noticed that I can do things now with a mustache that I could not do before.  My experience is not unique.  I asked some of our brothers to share and here is a list of things that we can do now that we have sweet furry lip hats.

1.  Open pickle jars without having to ask my wife for help.

2.  Play the saxophone.  Backwards.

3.  Wear aviators confidently.

4.  Impersonate famous people like the Mayor of Plattsmouth just to get free coffee.

5.  Fly fish.  By hand.

6. Pop AND lock.

7.  Go shirtless on casual day at the office and receive praise from the boss and looks of longing and desire from the ladies.

8.  Fix things with motors.

9.  Distill whiskey.

10.  Misinterpret looks of “abject horror and fear” from women at the office as ”longing and desire.”

I’m sure there are more and there will be more to come.  Never doubt the power of the stache.

Very stachely yours,

The Commodore

Just over one week into the adventure and people can’t stop asking me, “How do you get The Commodore to grow so rich and full so quickly?”  I’m not bragging, I’m reporting.  Described by some (including no less than three Laker girls) as “resplendent,” The Commodore is coming in nicely.  And there is a reason.

Unlike Minderman or Asbury (former winners of Most Testosterone), I will not jealously guard my mustache growing secrets.  It’s just not fair to the ladies.  So I am going to share my growing tips with the rest of my brothers.  If I can help just one mustache, it will all be worth it.  Just follow these tips and your mustache will rock.*

1.  Whenever possible, avoid eating vegetables (that includes rice, fruit and anything else that isn’t meat).   Eat foods rich in Vitamin M, like bacon and fried bacon.

2.  Avoid the word “organic.”  The growing rules prevent us from doping, so you need your growth hormones any way you can get them.  Feed an American cow genetically altered corn, inject him with as many steroids as he can handle, and turn him into a succulent ribeye.  That’s how I dope.

3.  This next tip is just for those of you who may live in Council Bluffs:   Do NOT shave the area between your nose and mouth.

4.  Attend M4K checkpoints to enjoy the camaraderie with your brothers.  You want to be smart – hang around smart people.  Same for facial hair growth.

5.  Finally, every night before I go to sleep I apply a homemade paste of peanut butter, bacon grease, rock salt and a whisper of vermouth to each individual whisker.  I sing each one its own song and gently put it to bed.  Yes, it takes about 8 hours, but the proof is exploding under my nose.

So for those of you are having trouble getting the first couple of stitches going on that lip sweater, just follow this advice.  Worst case scenario – you will smell bacon all day long.  The rest of the world should be so lucky.  Keep on truckin’ brothers.

Very Stachely Yours,

The Commodore

* Results may vary depending on whether your name is “George” or “Brady”.

As I sit here in my office enjoying a cigar while I smoke my pipe, I wistfully recall that April day when I first heard the concept of Mustaches for Kids.  That was way back in 2009, when a group of ragtag kids with nothing more than a handful of razors and a dream launched the first M4K Omaha campaign.  The goal of a dozen men quickly turned into the Dirty Thirty and it instantly became the most ridiculous way to raise money in Omaha.  Unless that Polar Bear Plunge thing is a fundraiser.  I don’t get that one.  Compared to growing a mustache, jumping into icewater has the exact opposite affect on our manliness.

Why am I reminiscing?  Well, because as of this morning (when this year’s group passed the $17,000 mark) M4K Omaha has raised over $100,000 (and counting) for local children’s charities since our inception.  None of us could have imagined that we would hit such a number (ever) and many of us thought it would flame out long before we got close to six figures.  But the stache abides.  Never doubt its powers to surprise.  Or tickle.

Now quit resting on your laurels and get out there and make that stache work.

The StacheBlog is back, and more fantastic than ever (actually, we didn’t change anything).  We welcome the Sexy 160 and their glorious mustaches to the Omaha metro area.  Just days after our lady-bait started growing the temperature spiked in Omaha from the 50′s to the 90′s.  Excuse me Mr. Gore, CFC’s aren’t causing global warming, that spike in temps is a result of the collective radiant energy coming from the nuclear/hydrogen/mustache reactors on our faces.  And our mustaches, just like your global warming, were invented solely so we could get some attention. 

But the only politics I want to discuss here are the politics of dancing, and I don’t even want to discuss that.  A few facts about this year’s Growers:

29 of them have lived in more than 5 states;

48 of them are convicted felons;

6 of them are addicted to love;

112 of them have or had mothers;

1 is a cyborg (you’ll never guess, trust me);

The average weight is a muscular 180 lbs. which converts to exactly nobody-gives-a-crap in kilos;

To a man they love bacon;

Only one of them owned a Prius, but he threw it away in disgust on day two of his mustache (good for you brother!);

Remarkably, none of this year’s Growers have been to the moon, but several have been to Wahoo;

They are all American. 

So check back here periodically for more nonsense, gossip, and stuff about Brady’s dog you will wish you could un-read.

Very Stachely Yours,

The Commodore