Yes, I assume most people are amazed and awed by my mustache.  Given.  It does not surprise me when I tell people of the charity that they, in a mustache-induced trance, simply open their wallets and give me money.  But some have been reluctant to let the thrill and excitement they feel in the presence of the stache fuel their desire to give to Camp CoHoLo, the Children’s Cancer Camp of Nebraska.  Well here are a few of the excuses that I have heard and/or perceive and compelling reasons why they are wrong.

1.  “I don’t like mustaches”  You are lying and cheap.  Everyone loves mustaches.  You may interpret your fear of the wonderful and that deep sensation in your loins as bad or even repugnant, but I assure you there is something wrong with you in your head.  Perhaps an issue with your father that is unresolved?  Seek counseling and give money.

2.  “I don’t like your mustache”  Screw you.  Besides, you don’t have to like my mustache to help these kids.  You want to send a message, donate money to another mustache.

3.  “In this economy, I don’t have any extra money”  Understood.  We’re not looking for your extra money, we’ll take some of your normal money.  How are you reading this on the internet?  Unless you are one of those creepy guys at the library who huddle over the computers you probably own one.  Sell it.  Buy a cheeseburger and give the rest to the glorious mustache mafia.   We’re not looking for $1,000, but don’t you want to give $20 to say you sponsored a mustache?  Makes a good story, and you’ll freak out your accountant when you deduct it and tell him why.

4.  “I live in Ohio”  We are sorry for your loss, but that is not an excuse.  Living in Ohio is an excuse for many things, but this isn’t one of them.  Even Ohioans can donate by clicking on the Donate Now link on the website homepage.  www.m4komaha.com.

5.   “I’ll give later”  That excuse only worked yesterday.   Today is later, so you better do it now while you are thinking about it.

6.  “I hate kids and/or love cancer”  Wow.  You know what, if this applies to you, you win.  Do not give any money to Camp CoHoLo.  However, this is the only valid reason.  Accordingly, if you do not give money to support Mustaches for Kids you fit one of these two categories.  You may not look at my mustache, and may God have mercy on your soul.

The Commodore

Voting is important.  It is one of the privileges we have as citizens.  The Commodore and I just exercised our right to vote.  It is the only exercise we will do today because my weights are in the shop and I need new stoppers for my roller skates (I’ve been absolutely burning them up lately).

I was almost denied the right to vote.  My polling place moved all the way across the street to a different school because of some polling consolidation in my county.  Millard was not spared this great controversy.  However, after using my phone to map a course across the street we arrived safely at the polling location.  Looking good.

Unfortunately, there were no pictures of the candidates so I didn’t know who to trust.  It probably would not have mattered.  I just wrote in Tom Selleck for every office.  I even had to write in some offices.  I wrote in Tom Selleck for:

1.  President of the Whole World

2.  Master of the Universe

3.  Chairman of Everything

4.  Papio Natural Resources District Sub-District 12

I suspect my candidates will not fare well in the Primaries, but that is the nature of partisan politics.  Think about it, Tom Selleck as President.  Sure, he may not have any executive experience but he would give great speeches and it would be wildly entertaining for all.  Some of our finest presidents have had mustaches, but it has been too long.  Unfortunately, as we learned with Herman Cain, the country is not ready for that much sexy in the White House.

Go vote.  Or more importantly, donate to Camp CoHoLo at www.m4komaha.com.

That's some good joe.

The hardest part of the campaign is the 3-10 day period for most of us and the 1-30 day period for some like Brady and George.  For most of us that is when our mustaches are so dirty and whispy that people can’t quite tell if we are doing it on purpose.  You will get very clever comments like “did you forget to shave this morning?” and “just put some milk on there and the cat will take care of it.” Do not take offense at these remarks, but take pity. Take pity on those that lack the courage to do what you are doing. Also, you may pity their lack of originality. You might even go so far as to suggest they start their own charity called “Tired Unoriginal Jokes For Kids.”  Then punch them in the kidney and take their wallet, thanking them for the donation.*

 
But don’t worry, you are not alone.  You have over 135 Stache Brothers experiencing the same thing with you.   Some interesting facts about this year’s class of Growers:

• 25 are returning members of the Selleck Society.
• 97 appreciate a fine cigar, the rest will smoke anything.
• They describe their favorite type of beer as ”free.”
• 3 are self-proclaimed “explosivologists.”
• They like kids.  Cancer, not so much.
• To a man they refuse to eat at Olive Garden.
• 18 have never been in a coal mine.
• 26 of them will have birthdays this month, 5 will have babies.
• One of them does not hesitate to make up stats.
• None of them own a Ferrari. Yet.

All of them are American.

So plow forward Brothers, and put that Oreo cookie stain to work for the cause.

The Commodore
www.m4komaha.com

* Mustaches for Kids Omaha condones violence.

We are off to the races. Just this morning I woke up, ate some bacon, and wandered into a pawn shop to look at motorcycles and chainsaws. I don’t recall having any particular interest in either, but there I was, asking about torque. The manager came over to me, gave me some nunchucks and said, “you look like you could get some use out of these.”

Indeed.

143 Growers with clean shaven faces ready to watch the world around them change as they man up and grow a stache to raise some cash.  The dark days are ahead.  The first week to ten days are the hardest before it blooms into the stuff of legends.  I just can’t wait for somebody to make a derogatory comment about The Commodore so I can nunchuck them.

The Commodore
www.m4komaha.com

Stache Bash was as great a success as the 2011 Growing Season.  Here is what you may have missed:

Celebrity Judges:

Mike McKnight – WOWT Channel 6 investigative reporter and StacheFriend from day one,

Jim Flowers – Chief Meteorologist, WOWT Channel 6 and owner of Omaha’s most recognizable stache,

Emily Poeschl – 2006 Miss Nebraska USA, bombshell, has own wikipedia entry,

Cameron Meredith – Defensive End, University of Nebraska Cornhuskers, pre-season Heisman favorite

Webcast – Thanks to Stache Brother and Stache Team Six member Steve Pflaum for webcasting the whole thing.

StachePageant Winners:

Most Testosterone – Matt Steinbrink

Nastiest Stache – Adam Perez

Best Costume – Jay Slagle

Sweetest Stache – Chuck Whitney

Most Fundraisingest – Mike Lebens

Blake Gibbons Shirt Auction:

You may recall that mustache hero and actor Blake Gibbons did us a solid and sent in a video for our recruiting video.  The shirt he was wearing at the end that said, “Hey, Nice Mustache” was autographed by Blake and sent back to us.  We auctioned it off that night and it went for a wopping $1,000 to benefit CRCC.  In Blake’s own words, “My mom wouldn’t even pay that much for my autograph.”  He is awesome, the shirt is awesome, and the auction was awesome.

The Total is Announced:

The goal was to beat $72,500 and pass San Francisco to become the nation’s second highest fundraising chapter.  I cannot describe the reaction when Mustache Kevin turned over the card with the 0 and then pulled the 1 out from behind it.  Pandemonium.  Cheers, tears, hugs, and an ovation that seemed to last 10 minutes.  We are so proud of the guys and the effort they put into raising this staggering amount of cash for CRCC.

CRCC Says Thanks:

After the total was announced Terri Fitzgerald, Executive Director of CRCC, took the stage with all of her staff and CREW Guild members to thank the Growers.  She had to take a moment to compose herself (we should have told her the total ahead of time!) and gave a very heartfelt and genuine thank you to the guys for their efforts. 

After the show we had live music from Minor Detail (who looked rad in their Beastie Boys “Sabotage” costumes).  There may or may not have been a dance contest in which Fancy Sauce narrowly edged The Commodore for the title of Best Dancer Ever.  Jabroney and The Hammer had their own contest and the loser won a cab ride home.  Stuff got broke, women fell in love, and I think we may have elected Pedro Class President so all of our wildest dreams will come true.

All in all a great night.

Can’t believe it is here already.  Seems like just yesterday we were being butchered alive by the barber on the patio of Two Fine.  And now it is time for Stache Bash.  Regardless of how much money you raised or how good your stache looks, tonight will be the party you talk about for months.  You know what they say, “Once you go Stache Bash you never go back.  To any other parties.  Because they aren’t as fun.”

See you tonight brothers.  And sisters.  And people I don’t even know.

The Commodore

You ask me, how does your mustache grow so fine and you are able to reduce your cholesterol?  Here is the answer:

Those are ribs and bacon wrapped bratwurst.  It is a scientific-ish fact that the bacon and bratwurst go directly to your stache.  In fact, I still have bits of ribs and sauce in my mustache and that makes every day smell like awesome.  It is also just as true that eating bacon AND bratwurst at the same time reduces your cholesterol because the “bad cholesterol” and the “good taste” cancel each other out.  Mustache John confirmed this and he is a doctor.  A foot doctor, but as they say in Foot Doc Monthly, “Good heart health starts in your feet.”   Here is the recipe for those bold enough to try it.

1.  Buy bacon

2. Buy bratwurst

3.  Wrap bacon around bratwurst

4.  Smoke at 225 for 3-4 hours (depending on how much yard work you are ditching on)

Bon appetit mons freres.  (that is French for “eat bacon and punch a frenchman”)

The Commodore

From the Caddyshack Archives….
“So we finish 18 and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, ‘Hey, Lama! Hey! How about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.’ And he says, ‘Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total mustacheness.’ So I got that going for me, which is nice.”

Apparently one of our growers uncovered the rough drafts of several movies before some bare lipper got ahold of the script and did re-writes.  We will share them with you from time to time but this gem was dug up under Jack Nicholson’s house.   We assume his role in A Few Good Men was supposed to have a mustache.

“Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with mustaches. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinburg? I have a greater lip sweater than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the handlebars. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago’s peach fuzz, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves beautiful women from loneliness. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like cookie duster, lip sweater, soup strainer. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very mustache that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a Braun Personal Groomer, and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to”