Our mustaches make us unique, but they also make us the target of discrimination, and I point this out only so we can grow stronger as a group. One of my friends intended to be a grower this year, but he has to meet the Governor of North Dakota in two weeks as part of his job, and my friend’s boss told him that he couldn’t have a mustache when he met the governor. I am glad I am not my friend, because I could not work for such a ignorant and hateful boss. However, I must commend the great state of North Dakota. Governor John Hoeven is a proud mustache wearer, which makes the bossman’s decision even worse. We mustache men love to admire the lip rugs of other manly men, and I’m sure the governor would have bought whatever my friend was selling.

I have another friend who made the bold step to grow a mustache this year. He is already sporting a fine stache after five days, but he fears he will have to shave it because he’s flying to California in two weeks to meet some Hollywood waxed-types. Please pray for Mustache Joe that he will be strong and not give into the temptation of shaving his sweet stache.

Finally, I saw a picture in the World Herald today, which is the workplace of Class of 2009 Mustache Robert. The picture reveals the power of the stache. Soccer is the most popular sport in the world, and high school phenom Eduardo Gamboa used his power of the stache to score two overtime goals for South Sioux City. I’m sure Skutt knew they had no chance at victory once the Teenage Stache Wonder took the field. Eduardo, you are pure stache genius. I lift my full-calorie Old Milwaukee in your honor.

Live free, live the stachely life.

A collection of exceptionally hot men with mustaches? $20,000 raised for a kids’ cancer camp? Two mustaches impersonating newscasters? The Omaha M4K leader dressed only in a swim cap and Speedo? That sounds like a place that cameras should be, and the crack Channel 6 news team agreed. Click below for a link to the news coverage of the 2009 Stache Bash:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mSMSXdYvv0

Kudos to Channel 6 for recognizing and publicizing mustache greatness. While the growers certainly didn’t need any additional public affirmation of their perfection, we did have an obligation to share the mustache gospel with the less informed.

As many of you know, fame and good fortune can be fleeting, and not everyone handles it well. While Ima Stachelicous took his early success and notoriety in stride, it was only a matter of time before his life took a turn for the worse. It started innocently enough – trading e-mail addresses with other famous mustaches, signing autographs, kissing babies. However, it soon spiraled into late nights at invitation-only clubs, excessive grooming, and eventually a highly-criticized $400 trimming while his personal jet idled on the tarmac in Los Angeles.

Sadly, Ima has now made the worst decision of his 27 day life. Like Paris Hilton, William Shatner and Mr. T, Ima decided to leverage his celebrity status to cross over into the music industry. K-Tel was eager to make a buck, and quickly agreed to produce Ima’s Greatest Hits album. While the album isn’t the blockbuster that we all wanted for Stachelicious, K-Tel is contractually obligated to share it with all of you. The link to K-Tel’s TV commercial promoting the new album is below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZBDYR1irjo

As an aside, many predicted that Ima’s presence would be downfall of my marriage, since my wife would find me more disgusting than usual. However, it appears that the real cause of the divorce will be the many hours I’ve wasted producing videos about an obscure mustache that will be shaved by this weekend. This is my last of five mustache videos, and presumably my most embarassing.

Live free, live the stachely life.

I have to admit that until four weeks ago, I was a hater, a doubter, a rube, a Yuppie, an elitest. You see, I didn’t believe in the power of the stache, and thought that the men (and women) who wore them were lazy, misdirected individuals. However, after sporting my Louvre of the Lip for almost a month, it’s clear that the men who wear mustaches are pure genius, and the women who wear them are, well, lazy and misdirected individuals.

I do not consider myself a talented movie producer, but I think it’s my civic obligation to spread the gospel of mustaches in some little way. Therefore, I have produced a new movie, “A Man Without a Mustache? Why, That’s Like…” to educate the public. I suspect that this movie could lead to a rebirth of the American mustache – launch a mustache Renaissance – spark the Mustachial Revolution – change the balance of power in US politics – or perhaps even result in something useful. The link to the movie is below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibDKsGci1zQ

My wife and I have begun counseling sessions, and I recommend many of the married growers may wish to do the same. In all likelihood, my mustache will be departing on this Friday morning, because otherwise I will be mobbed at Friday night’s performance of High School Musical. While I’m certainly man enough to handle the adulation, I fear it will leave an indelible scar on my children’s souls. I do not make the shaving decision lightly, particularly since my wife is begging me to keep it. Our therapist likens the loss of a mustache to losing a long-loved family dog. The family will move beyond it, but there will always be a hole in the family and a void above my lip. The counselor is encouraging us to take pictures and videos of the stache, and make as many memories as possible during this last week. Today we’re going to the zoo, and tomorrow we’re visiting a biker bar. It’s a bittersweet time, but I’ll always cherish the memories of my stache.

Ima Stachelicious is a kind and compassionate mustache.  At the May 20^th growers’ checkpoint, Ima met Mustache George and ‘In the Right Light.’  George has enthusiasm, motivation and a good heart, but in the race to grow a mustache, he’s running well behind my grandmother and several sixth grade boys.  In order to raise awareness for needy mustaches like George’s, we’ve produced a public service announcement that we plan to offer to local television stations.  It’s a touching PSA that should pull at the heartstrings of the TV executives.  In fact, my wife cried when she watched it, after which she immediately began packing a suitcase.  We haven’t seen her for a few days, but frankly, it was getting a little crowded in our house now that the mustache lives here.  I suppose we’ll invite her back on June 5^th.  The link to the mustache PSA is below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RDGZVwLg8k

On another note, we hosted a Memorial Day party for several dozen mustache-challenged friends.  Even with large amounts of beer, the crowd seemed sad and distant, and I got the distinct feeling that they had very little to live for in their lives.  I pulled them aside one by one, and talked to each of them about the 6-step method (see below) for growing a mustache and living a fulfilled life.  Several of the attendees made a covenant to begin living the stachely life.  It’s just one small step, but it’s another example of how my mustache, and yours, can change the world.

The 6-step method for growing a stache:

1.  Visualize the stache.

2.  Share the dream with your friends.

3.  Grow the stache.

4.  Give the stache a name.

5.  Live the stachely life by performing manly deeds, wearing leather, and making menacing expressions.

6.  Invite others to experience the aura of the stache. 

Ima Stachelicious, world-famous mustache and private investigator, was summoned to Harry P. McStashington’s office last Friday.  It appears that the M4K board (Nebraska’s mustachioed elite) has grave concerns that the mustache lifestyle is dying in South Dakota.  If mustaches become extinct in a neighboring state, all of the mustache-loving women (roughly 90% of the entire female population) will move to Nebraska.  Frankly, we’re having a hard time keeping up with the women that are already in Nebraska, so this could be a serious crisis.

McStashington directed Stachelicious to perform a reconnaissance mission to South Dakota to investigate whether mustaches were going the way of the buffalo.  As a side note, while there, Stachelicious ran a marathon and placed first in the 19-and-under men’s age group (he was only 10 days old at the time).  Jay was soundly beaten by multiple 70-year-old women, but his ‘with stache’ time was 17 minutes faster than the ‘without stache’ time he had run three weeks previously.  

Click the link below to view the documentary that Stachelicious made about his trip to South Dakota.  But do it quickly, because time is running out for our fellow mustaches to the north.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmQ663L9K0c

Live free, live the stachely life.

StacheMania is clearly growing in Omaha, Papillion and Utica now that the staches are 9 days old.  I’ve personally be mobbed by seven different groups of soccer moms, causing several bald-faced colleagues to seriously consider  joining the monastachec order. 

In a related note, a Dundee coffee house has announced that it is dedicating one of its of ‘open-mike poetry nights’ to all poems expounding the virtues of our manly fuzz patches.  The female adorers at the coffee house may be uniquely bohemian, but they’ll also be full of caffeine, so such an event should be attended with extreme caution.

My stache, Ima Stachelicious, only just returned from Cannes from the world premire of the documentary, “How Jay’s Stache Changed the World.”  The title is actually a bit understated, and judging by the 180 YouTube screenings in just two short days, the film will probably outgross the latest StarTrek movie.  Speaking of Trekkies, it’s a little known fact that mustaches are the only way that Trekkies are able to attract mates, and there’s currently a research study underway to see if mustaches are equally effective for Dungeons and Dragons aficionados.   However, this does raise a very serious public policy question about whether Trekkies and D&D devotees should be allowed to propagate.  Expect President Obama to weigh in on this issue.

Here’s the link to “How Jay’s Stache Changed the World.”  My stache only hopes that your stache can have as much impact as he had during his first week of life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbBL1g3maik