I have to admit that until four weeks ago, I was a hater, a doubter, a rube, a Yuppie, an elitest. You see, I didn’t believe in the power of the stache, and thought that the men (and women) who wore them were lazy, misdirected individuals. However, after sporting my Louvre of the Lip for almost a month, it’s clear that the men who wear mustaches are pure genius, and the women who wear them are, well, lazy and misdirected individuals.

I do not consider myself a talented movie producer, but I think it’s my civic obligation to spread the gospel of mustaches in some little way. Therefore, I have produced a new movie, “A Man Without a Mustache? Why, That’s Like…” to educate the public. I suspect that this movie could lead to a rebirth of the American mustache – launch a mustache Renaissance – spark the Mustachial Revolution – change the balance of power in US politics – or perhaps even result in something useful. The link to the movie is below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibDKsGci1zQ

My wife and I have begun counseling sessions, and I recommend many of the married growers may wish to do the same. In all likelihood, my mustache will be departing on this Friday morning, because otherwise I will be mobbed at Friday night’s performance of High School Musical. While I’m certainly man enough to handle the adulation, I fear it will leave an indelible scar on my children’s souls. I do not make the shaving decision lightly, particularly since my wife is begging me to keep it. Our therapist likens the loss of a mustache to losing a long-loved family dog. The family will move beyond it, but there will always be a hole in the family and a void above my lip. The counselor is encouraging us to take pictures and videos of the stache, and make as many memories as possible during this last week. Today we’re going to the zoo, and tomorrow we’re visiting a biker bar. It’s a bittersweet time, but I’ll always cherish the memories of my stache.

Yes, I assume most people are amazed and awed by my mustache.  Given.  It does not surprise me when I tell people of the charity that they, in a mustache-induced trance, simply open their wallets and give me money.  But some have been reluctant to let the thrill and excitement they feel in the presence of the stache fuel their desire to give to Camp CoHoLo, the Children’s Cancer Camp of Nebraska.  Well here are a few of the excuses that I have heard and/or perceive and compelling reasons why they are wrong.

1.  “I don’t like mustaches”  You are lying and cheap.  Everyone loves mustaches.  You may interpret your fear of the wonderful and that deep sensation in your loins as bad or even repugnant, but I assure you there is something wrong with you in your head.  Perhaps an issue with your father that is unresolved?  Seek counseling and give money.

2.  “I don’t like your mustache”  Screw you.  Besides, you don’t have to like my mustache to help these kids.  You want to send a message, donate money to another mustache.

3.  “In this economy, I don’t have any extra money”  Understood.  We’re not looking for your extra money, we’ll take some of your normal money.  How are you reading this on the internet?  Unless you are one of those creepy guys at the library who huddle over the computers you probably own one.  Sell it.  Buy a cheeseburger and give the rest to the glorious mustache mafia.   We’re not looking for $1,000, but don’t you want to give $10 to say you sponsored a mustache?  Makes a good story, and you’ll freak out your accountant when you deduct it and tell him why.

4.  “I live in Ohio”  We are sorry for your loss, but that is not an excuse.  Living in Ohio is an excuse for many things, but this isn’t one of them.  Even Ohioans can donate by clicking on the Donate Now link on the website homepage.  www.m4komaha.com.

5.   “I’ll just give at the Stache Bash”  It would be great if you could join us and donate at the Stache Bash this Thursday (June 4th) at 9:00 at Starsky’s, but there are two good reasons to give before then.  First, the mustache you are supporting will not get credit for it because we are calculating totals before the Stache Bash.  Your donation could be the one that bumps your Grower from the Burt Reynols level to the Robert Goulet level.  Second, you will have more control over your donation if you do it now.  If you wait until Stache Bash you will become intoxicated by the amount of testoster-awesomeness in the room.  In such close proximity to 31 beautiful nose neighbors, you may end up mortgaging your house.  Better be safe and just do it now.

6.  “I hate kids and/or love cancer”  Wow.  You know what, if this applies to you, you win.  Do not give any money to Camp CoHoLo.  However, this is the only valid reason.  Accordingly, if you do not give money to support Mustaches for Kids you fit one of these two categories.  You may not look at my mustache, and may God have mercy on your soul.

You stay stachey Omaha.

Checkpoint 3 was well attended and we are over $8,000 for Camp CoHoLo.  Fox 42 News was there and did a great piece on the M4K crew.  Click HERE to watch it.  Thanks FOX!

If you missed the weekly World Herald write-up from StacheFriend Dane Stickney it is HERE.  If you are wondering, yes, a StacheFriend is way more awesome than a Super Friend.  They have their own Hall of Mustache Justice and everything.  In fact, Dane is kind of like the Wonder Woman of the group, but his plane is not invisible.  That never made any sense to me.  Does she have the power to make things invisible?  If so, why that?  If not, where did she get it?  You are truly a wonder, Wonder Woman. 

Stash Bash plans are finalized so make sure to join us at the Omaha Royals game on Thursday June 4th and then the Stash Bash at 9:00 that night at Starsky’s (across the street from Rosenblatt).  Click HERE for all the details.  There will be a DJ, celebrity judges for the contest, meaningless pageantry, and free pony rides.*

* Pony rides subject to cancellation if Starsky’s won’t let us bring our horses inside.

In the meantime, you stay Stachey Omaha.

Everyone is invited to attend Checkpoint 3, the final Checkpoint before the glorious Stache Bash on June 4th. We are meeting at the Brazen head at 8:00 p.m. for pictures, revelry, and mustache-related fellowship.

Ima Stachelicious is a kind and compassionate mustache.  At the May 20^th growers’ checkpoint, Ima met Mustache George and ‘In the Right Light.’  George has enthusiasm, motivation and a good heart, but in the race to grow a mustache, he’s running well behind my grandmother and several sixth grade boys.  In order to raise awareness for needy mustaches like George’s, we’ve produced a public service announcement that we plan to offer to local television stations.  It’s a touching PSA that should pull at the heartstrings of the TV executives.  In fact, my wife cried when she watched it, after which she immediately began packing a suitcase.  We haven’t seen her for a few days, but frankly, it was getting a little crowded in our house now that the mustache lives here.  I suppose we’ll invite her back on June 5^th.  The link to the mustache PSA is below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RDGZVwLg8k

On another note, we hosted a Memorial Day party for several dozen mustache-challenged friends.  Even with large amounts of beer, the crowd seemed sad and distant, and I got the distinct feeling that they had very little to live for in their lives.  I pulled them aside one by one, and talked to each of them about the 6-step method (see below) for growing a mustache and living a fulfilled life.  Several of the attendees made a covenant to begin living the stachely life.  It’s just one small step, but it’s another example of how my mustache, and yours, can change the world.

The 6-step method for growing a stache:

1.  Visualize the stache.

2.  Share the dream with your friends.

3.  Grow the stache.

4.  Give the stache a name.

5.  Live the stachely life by performing manly deeds, wearing leather, and making menacing expressions.

6.  Invite others to experience the aura of the stache. 

it just so happens that the World Mustache and Beard Contest is taking place this weekend in Alaska. Why?  Because the world is trying to capitalize on the buzz surrounding Mustaches For Kids Omaha.  There are many categories, including the “open” category.  Prior to the contest, we received the following “invitation”:

Dear Mustaches for Kids Omaha, 

“You are not invited to the World Mustache and Beard Contest in Alaska.  Your two week mustaches have terrified the judging committee and we have considered canceling the competition altogether.  Several of your Growers are already sporting such growth that the rest of the world is trembling at the prospect of any one of you entering the contest.  Except Mustache Brady.  And, of course, Mustache “Baby Doc” David.  Accordingly, please stay in Omaha.”

Click HERE to read more about it.

Some of the pictures will frighten you, but most of them will excite and titilate you.  You may not want to look at them alone.  Or at all.  Please enjoy and good luck to the competitors.  Not that you need it.  Your sweet mustache will grant you all the luck you will need.

So you love mustaches, beer, and engine parts.  So why on earth would you watch American Idol?  That show is for teenage girls. And guys who don’t have mustaches and need to watch shows like that and Grey’s Anatomy to curry favor with the ladies.  If only they would trust the power of the cookie duster!  

So why would we give American Idol any free ink on this blog dedicated to manly pursuits?  Because it took a mustache to win it.  The most popular show in the world was won by Kris Allen who, in a fit of desperation, grew a mustache to guarantee victory.  Congratulations Mustache Kris II, you truly are a champion and an inspiration.

True story – this morning at his hearing, Mustache Kris, Esq. had the following exchange with the Judge:

Judge:  OK everybody, we have a full docket today, so just be patient.  We’ll try to get through these before noon.  I ordinarily go in docket number order, but I would like the mustached gentlemen to come forward first.  What is your name wise counselor?

Mustache Kris:  Good morning your honor, my name is Mustache Kris and I’m hear for a hearing on my motion for . .

Judge:  Eh, eh, eh, stop right there.  I do not need to concern myself with your motion, simply tell me what you would like and I will Order it.  You carry yourself with the air of a just and righteous advocate, so I’m sure whatever you want is the most prudent course.  What would you like today?

Mustache Kris:  Well, your honor, I can see that you are learned, but my motion deals with . .

Judge:  Pray forgive me for interrupting you, but I need not hear any of the details of your Motion.  Here, I will give you this peice of paper that says “Order” at the top and I will sign it at the bottom.  You just fill in whatever you think is appropriate and file it with the clerk.  Thank you for your appearance in my courtroom today, it is a memory I will cherish long after I have left the bench.

All cynicism aside, looks like the legal system is working just fine.

All Growers, Mustache Groupies, Mustaff members, and anyone who like mustaches, kids, beer, or fun are invited to Beer & Loathing in Dundee (50th & Underwood) tonight at 7:30 for the Week 2 Checkpoint. Our leader, Mustache Adam will be showing off his mustache – OptiMustache Prime. The elusive yet videogenic Mustache Jay has promised to make an appearance, and there will be much rejoicing.

You can bring your wallets, but I doubt they will charge us anything for beer. I have noticed that the mustache makes people do things for you. For example, yesterday when I was at the hospital visiting Mustache Kevin and his newborn people were opening doors for me, offering to help me find things, and I even had a security guard offer to escort me off the premises. At the grocery store, the door opened all by itself.   The power of the ’stache.  So it would not suprise me at all if the bartender (and any women within 5 miles of the joint) will be fighting over who gets to buy us drinks. 

So join us tonight – one and all.  The checkpoints are open to the public and we thank you for your support!

Ima Stachelicious, world-famous mustache and private investigator, was summoned to Harry P. McStashington’s office last Friday.  It appears that the M4K board (Nebraska’s mustachioed elite) has grave concerns that the mustache lifestyle is dying in South Dakota.  If mustaches become extinct in a neighboring state, all of the mustache-loving women (roughly 90% of the entire female population) will move to Nebraska.  Frankly, we’re having a hard time keeping up with the women that are already in Nebraska, so this could be a serious crisis.

McStashington directed Stachelicious to perform a reconnaissance mission to South Dakota to investigate whether mustaches were going the way of the buffalo.  As a side note, while there, Stachelicious ran a marathon and placed first in the 19-and-under men’s age group (he was only 10 days old at the time).  Jay was soundly beaten by multiple 70-year-old women, but his ‘with stache’ time was 17 minutes faster than the ‘without stache’ time he had run three weeks previously.  

Click the link below to view the documentary that Stachelicious made about his trip to South Dakota.  But do it quickly, because time is running out for our fellow mustaches to the north.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmQ663L9K0c

Live free, live the stachely life.